Editor’s note: The executive director of Spirtual Directors International, Rev. Seifu Anil Singh-Molares, wrote a version of this piece for the SDI newsletter “Listen” in 2017. The response from our membership was so positive and strong we wanted to share it here in hopes of widening the discussion and hearing more from the community. Please let us know what your answer is below in the comments. (And for context on the above quote — check out the cool 4-minute video with Rev. Vaccariello.
What is a spiritual director/ spiritual companion?
One question, many answers.
The term “spiritual director” has many associations and a long history in the Abrahamic faiths traditions, where it has been closely associated with certain strands of Judaism, with spiritual directors referred to as “Hashpa’ah“ or “Mashpaiâ” (depending on the strand); Christian and, much later, in particular Ignatian spirituality; and in the Islamic Sufi path, where the spiritual director is known as a “Murshid.“ But even within these traditions there is great (and increasing) variability in how the terms are used, defined, and contextualized. The common approach that they share is that in all of them, the spiritual director is a spiritual companion who looks to engage with seekers in an open and non-judgmental way, steeped in contemplative practice and deep listening, to provide guidance and enable seekers to get closer to God.
In Hinduism, Sikhism, Jainism and Vajrayana Buddhism, spiritual teachers or guides are referred to as “gurus,” which in Sanskrit means “weighty or grave,” with the connotation of “elder teacher” or “esteemed teacher.” But the long story of that term contains overtones of someone who removes spaces and obstacles that may lie between us and our spiritual evolution. Gurus can develop highly personalized relationships with seekers, with a dynamic that is distinct to each teacher but that is deep and all pervasive.
In most strands of Buddhism, it is more common to refer to spiritual “friends,” rather than to “directors,” “guides,” or even “teachers.” These friends encourage and allow us to evolve, such that the Buddha was reported to have said that spiritual friendship is the sum total of the spiritual life (in the Meghiya Sutta of the Pali Canon). Spiritual friends help seekers by fostering intimacy; virtuous conduct; conversation that inspires and encourages practice; diligence, energy, and enthusiasm for the good; and insight into impermanence. Spiritual friends, therefore, are the most important key in the spiritual path.
Other examples include followers of Indigenous religions, who usually work with Shamans, or Taoists and Confucians, who learn how to connect with their true natures through wise and learned teachers.
Finally, a significant portion of the over 1.1 billion people worldwide that the Pew Research Center refers to as “unaffiliated,” many of whom describe themselves as “spiritual but not religious,” seek connection with a higher power and a larger meaning in variety of ways: for example, by working with philosophy teachers as their guides, or through their work with psychologists, and other types of counselors.
Given all of this, how are we to approach the issue of who qualifies as a “spiritual director/companion/guide/teacher/friend/counselor/advisor?”
Here are some ideas.
First, spiritual direction/ companionship should be an inclusive, rather than an exclusive concept. It should always strive to welcome and invite, rather than to separate and divide, which it does on occasion, often unwittingly.
Second, at their roots, spiritual directors are individuals committed to helping others seek and find connection with a higher power, however that power might be defined. This characteristic always holds true, regardless of the particular spiritual configuration or orientation of the directors and seekers.
At a recent retreat of the I had with the SDI Coordinating Council, we identified some other key factors to look for in authentic spiritual directors, namely that they be:
- rooted in personal experience, and display “depth.”
- willing to follow universal ethical guidelines, summarized as “Do no harm.”
- accountable in a community setting.
- committed to contemplative, compassionate listening, with respect for the agency of directees.
- supervised by other spiritual directors and accountable through that direct supervision.
- committed to ongoing education and learning.
What do you think? What characteristics do you see as essential in a spiritual guide? As SDI strives to broaden its spiritual director public square, your thoughts are most encouraged and welcome.
Please write your response in the comments. And thank you for listening to your own spirit as you engage here. We are a community that thrives as each member shares his or her experience and wisdom.
11 thoughts on “What Makes a Good Spiritual Director”
Most mature human beings I’ve met seem to glow with joy. Not that they’re giddy or silly–they just have sparkly eyes. They’re compassionate and grave when the situation warrants, but they mostly glow. I think this attribute comes from the deep love they share with their creator.
Beautifully conceived and written. Thank you so much for your work. I am grateful for it.
Blessings, Mary Beth
1. An openness for continued growth
2. Authenticity & integrity
3. Love and commitment to harmony
A spiritual director/companion should ask compelling and thought provoking questions that draw out of the well of one’s spirit. Uncovering the true essence of a person. Like Jesus and the woman at the well, her final exhortation was “come see a man which told me things that ever I did: is his not the Christ? Questions that provoke an intimate introspection into their very connection with God and His creation.
What stood out for me is that Spiritual Directors must have humility and be willing to submit to Supervision by spiritual directors in a community setting. They commit to ongoing education and sharing their gifts.
Hi, I’m new to all this but it seems to me that one has to be clear and transparent on the ultimate goal or endpoint as well as the direction or process of spiritual search and growth. Everybody has a vision and that vision is the endpoint, even if it’s an endpoint without an endpoint. So the question I have is this: Is the endpoint of a particular spiritual director the subjective divine presence dwelling within all of us or is it an “objective and absolute” presence or reality beyond that? If I were to seek spiritual direction/companion, this is something I would want to know.
I guess the use of the term spiritual companion might be more appropriate for the former while spiritual director might be for the latter.
A companion on a journey discerning and listening to ones spiritual path is a Spiritual Director, and yes affirming, encouraging, challenging and inspiring to make that love grow within and without.
Thank you all for sharing. “Spiritual Companion” and Spiritual “Friend” both resonate. Check this out y’all. I recently participated in a one day spiritual retreat where we learned and practiced ‘group spiritual direction.’ When the person who was facilitating this component of the retreat quoted James Finley’s definition, I was in awe:
“A spiritual director is not a holy person but a person who sees the holy in others and holds it for them until they see it for themselves.”
Spiritual people communicate from a heart with no walls. They are not afraid to be vulnerable, and uncertain, themselves–so in a sense they are free. I met a blind very old nun in Tibet that motioned me to sit next to her for no reason. I melted in her bubble of love. It had no words and she was also blind. We just sat in mutual friendliness with nothing to prove, do, say or figure out. That was the most profound moment of my life.
Speaking from experience, a good spiritual director is a trusted guide who will accompanied faithfully the directee in any situation of one’s life. A Good spiritual director must willing to listen, to be available in times of need, no judgement but support and give encouragement to the directee that the person may grow and be the best version of oneself. Good spiritual director knows how to put one’s feet in another shoes, compassionate, understanding, patience and openness. To find a good spiritual director is not easy but with prayers and God’s grace, we all can find a good one. Prayer works! May we all strive and grow in our own spiritual path and walk closer to our creator. Amen.
I would only reiterate that — especially in the tumultuous days we’re living in early 2025 — a spiritual director must be a person of integrity, whose actions match his or her words. I’m sure we all fall and we all fail sometimes. But that’s what supervision is for, to bring us back gently to remembering who we desire to be. In a world increasingly divided, spiritual directors can stand as a peaceful, whole, and honest presence, extending the hand of spiritual companionship, one person at a time.