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CONTEXTS & CULTURES

theodicy (for how does a good God allow for the abuse As traumatized spiritual directees intentionally let go of
of children?). I journey with them as they move through their story and experience themselves as more than their
their stories, as they seek to find any semblance of a loving story, they can begin to experience their identity apart
God or Divine Energy, a Presence they may intuit but not from their story. In doing so, they begin to create the
yet recognize. spiritual space in which they can begin to see and claim
I have watched as traumatized spiritual directees begin the image of God. At this point, trauma survivors begin to
to grasp a concept of a grace-filled, loving God who experience themselves as an original blessing rather than
yearns to be in connection with all of creation except, they an original curse and move toward a deeper relationship
believe, with them. I have watched as they begin to see with the Divine.
the face of the Holy One, the imago dei, in loved ones and
others. But what I haven’t seen as often is the ability to see Spiritual Dilemma
the face of the Divine in themselves and to recognize and When trauma survivors (and others, for that matter)
claim their own giftedness, let alone see their particular ground their identity in their story, they create, albeit
gifts as manifestations of the Divine Light within. unwittingly, a false self, which all the contemplative writ-
One traumatized spiritual directee told me she sees signs ers from the desert mothers and fathers to contemporary
of a loving Divine presence in others but never in herself. contemplative writers argue needs to be deconstructed
She, along with many of my spiritual directees who are and dismantled so that the true self—the self beyond
trauma survivors, was not able to see the immortal dia- story—can emerge. Although writing about the Ignatian
mond or the true self about which the Franciscan priest Exercises, Christian writer and speaker Margaret Silf has
Richard Rohr writes. As I have puzzled over this block a helpful construct about self-identity. She writes about
against an important and essential step in the spiritual moving from “Where I am” to “How I am” to “Who I
journey—the ability to see and claim the Divine within am.” The first two (where and how) are tied to story—
themselves—I have come to realize that a large part of the what has happened and the choices we make. The last,
difficulty lies in trauma survivors’ sense of identity based the “who I am,” is the core of our being. It is the true self
on the traumatic events or experiences of their lives. I about which Richard Rohr, OFM and others write: the
sense in my spiritual seekers who have experienced trauma place where the Divine light resides.
an identity that does not move them out of their story; Yet for many trauma survivors to give up their identity
rather, in their understanding, the story is their identity. as a survivor means death on some spiritual and psycho-
Herein lies the block. Because the traumatic experience logical levels. It can be a terrifying journey, not unlike
has been so foundational and, in fact, has become the jumping into the abyss or into a dangerous storm. Depth
identity of survivors, there is little room for them to psychologist Bill Plotkin describes it thusly: “If you say yes
experience or to recognize the grace of God’s power in to the call, you’ll feel … that you are standing at the win-
themselves and in who they are as a child of the Divine— dow watching a great storm arrive. And you’ll know there’s
namely, as an image of God or of Divine light. no way to flee this storm; this one has your name written
The idea of being made in the image of God who has on it. You know you must open the door and walk straight
our best interests at heart and who yearns to be in rela- into the tempest” (4).
tionship with us, or of holding the Divine light within, I once facilitated a trauma group addressing the
is nowhere on the radar screen of many trauma survivors. spiritual baggage of trauma. One of the group members
Yet it is precisely this concept, experienced in themselves, expressed the sentiment of many in the group when she
that can free trauma survivors from an identity based on commented, “If I give up my story, if I am not my story,
the trauma. Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman noted then I won’t exist.” If her identity was not trauma survivor,
years ago that we know trauma survivors have healed psy- then who was she? For many traumatized spiritual seek-
chologically when they become part of the greater human ers, the answer that seems to emerge for them is, “Then I
endeavor—when abuse is not the driving or motivating am nothing.” This becomes a vicious cycle: I am nothing
factor in their lives. The same holds for spiritual healing. because that’s why I was harmed in the first place and if I

50 Presence: An International Journal of Spiritual Direction